Defeated

I'm waving the white flag, crying "uncle," they sunk my battleship.

There's a reason that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. If the twins wanted any government secrets from me, I would now be prepared to turn. If only it were that easy! But all they want is the comfort of nursing all. night. long.

And that's what they get.

They have been waking five times per night for a relatively brief taste of the milky goodness, plus one more 4:45 am-ish waking where they request the pleasure of our company for an early morning party for 30-60 minutes before they will return to sleep.

So throughout the night, the longest I get to sleep is about 90 minutes.

Since having Bean, I've slowly adjusted my ability to operate on choppy sleep; if I can get 2.5 hours at a time, I actually feel pretty normal. (Well, post-baby normal, which as any mother knows is a completely different standard.)

But this -- this completely unacceptable and unsustainable pattern -- has been going on too long now. Weeks. Months? I have lost track. When I get up in the morning, I am bawling as I hand a baby to one of my parents in complete exhaustion.

I can't go on. I can't be a mother -- I can't be a human -- like this anymore.

I don't really know what to do. I have posted on my mothering boards, pleading for advice. I've gotten some good tips and some great sympathy. But sadly, we remain locked in place.

At first I wondered if they were truly hungry. Because of course I want them to have milk, I couldn't live with myself if they were starving. But at this point, I think they just lack the ability to put themselves to sleep. They cry for my comfort, they latch, they suck until letdown, a few more sucks, and zzzzzzzzzzz. Then we have to burp that first baby, make sure he is asleep enough to transfer into the crib, and wake the second baby for the same ritual.

Bean was the same way when he was a tiny tot. But the difference between having one sleepless infant and two is like the difference between a deep paper cut and a bullet wound. Sure, one is annoying and painful, but the other you aren't sure if you'll survive. I have actually spent some time when I'm nursing them trying to think of ways I could put myself in a coma without dying to get a good month or two of blissful unconsciousness.

Poor DH is suffering too. He isn't awake quite as much as I am because he doesn't do the actual breastfeeding part, but he is disturbed way too frequently as well. Then he gets up at the butt crack of dawn for work and has to be productive. Plus he hates that I'm so upset, he gets protective of me that way. You know it's bad when I woke up recently to three of my beloved maple bars on the kitchen counter with a note:



At this point, I'm really at a loss as to what to do. Like I said, I've tried a lot and failed a lot. I'm feeling like a totally craptastic mother at this point. Yes, I realize having twins is ridiculously hard no matter who you are unless you are Angelina Jolie, who seems to find raising multiples as effortless as tripping over a rock. But we are approaching 5 months, and many other twin moms I've talked to have pulled themselves together better than I have by this point. I seem to be the lone idiot who cannot get the twins on any sort of coordinated sleeping schedule. During the day, it's a free-for-all. I am dead serious, the other day they literally operated on opposite schedules. Within 30 seconds of one going down for a nap, the other woke up. All day, not even a 5-minute break with both babies down. We absolutely could not believe they had the skill to do that. I guess it's true that twins can communicate telepathically. Sometimes for good, and other times, for evil.

Earlier this week we decided to load them up with formula before bed, which after reading my previous post you know was hard for me. But we were desperate for sleep and hoped this would allow us some recovery because they wouldn't be hungry as quickly. It seemed to help at first, we got a single 3-hour stretch out of them. Hooray! The next night we did the same thing. This time? Nope. Back to 2 hours. In fact, I think it was even less than that.

*sigh*

I am not a fan of cry-it-out, but we've reached a critical point here. It may be time. The other option is spending $250+ to chat with a sleep consultant for a couple of hours, there were some recommended on a recent thread at TwinStuff.com.

Step one: Figure out how to make twins sleep.

Step two: Call myself a "sleep consultant" so I can charge the same rate as a lawyer but not need any sort of education.


And now, to rescue this post from any further whining, here are some pictures!


A blessed junxtaposition to my state of mind, Bean has somehow managed to become even happier, sweeter, and cuter.


He helped Bumpa wash his car. I swear he has more focus and a longer attention span than I do.

He and his friend Em get their creative groove on.

Building garages for his cars with Grandma is one of his favorite activities. This kid is definitely a boy!

"Again with the crying?"

"Oh stop, Bumpa, you're just too hilarious!"

Both twins are showing signs that they are ready for solid food.

Bean does not have the monopoly on cuteness in our household.

Gax absolutely adores the exersaucer, it's the only way we get 15 minutes without holding him. The way he launches himself around in there is hysterical. Here is the best way I could capture it with a still camera:

My Mom has now ventured into both babywearing and co-sleeping. She's only lived in Seattle for a few months and she's already a hippy.

Evey has mastered the "if you ignore them, they'll stop bothering you" method of dealing with our annoying behavior. Ride 'em Elmo!

Nix thinks that this wrap purchase was completely reasonable and an excellent deal, considering I bought it used.

ETA: I posted this last night before bed, went upstairs and nursed them, and they promptly slept 4 solid hours. Trying to make me look bad. Punks.