Tuesday, January 1, 2008

The most horrible, wonderful year

Now that 2007 is done, I feel I can safely do this: put my tongue between my lips and blow a gigantic raspberry in its direction. HA.

Okay, so 2007 wasn't all bad. I'm sunny in Seattle now, right? I would hate to sound ungrateful for its blessings. (And it was infinitely better than 2006, I won't even discuss that!) It's a year I would not want to do without, yet I would not want to do again.

The first six months were the most difficult of my life. Infertility treatment hell. I hope to get up the cojones to reflect more on that experience later, as it has profoundly and forever affected me. But perhaps foreseeing my unkind raspberry coming its way, 2007 decided to send me out with a nasty sinus cold thing. So instead of writing a tearful/joyous post on the ups and downs of infertility, I'm trying not to cough up a lung. Certainly a lame excuse, but I'm sticking to it for now. I will suggest, though, that you click over to the "Stirrup Queens" link over on the right side of this page (listed under favorite sites and blogs). Today the author posted her "Creme de la Creme 2007" list, which comprises heartfelt posts by various bloggers chronicling their journeys through infertility in the past year. Bring some tissues.

The latter half of 2007 was markedly different than the former, beginning on June 25 when two pink lines blazed on a home pregnancy test. I wish I could say it was all rainbows and butterflies after that, but not so. Those tiny pink lines do not banish infertility the way water does with wicked witches. On the contrary! The fear and doubt of infertility lurk during pregnancy, and from what I understand, often well beyond the birth of a miracle.

That being said, at this very moment, I look down and see my tummy rolling as Bean stretches his little body. All of the invasive, degrading tests and procedures in the past, I have been blessed with this moment with my son. For that, I am eternally grateful for 2007. It's what every infertile woman prays for at the beginning of a year, and I consider myself incredibly lucky for the privilege of being pregnant.

So I leave 2007 appreciative and happy for its gifts, if a bit tattered and a lot more worn. I anticipate that 2008 will be filled with its own challenges, scares, and fabulous amazement as we enter parenthood. I am relieved, though, that infertility will not be an active theme of this new year. I'm putting it in a box and pushing it to the very back of our storage closet for now. It will not nearly be forgotten, and it will stay fresh and potent until we are ready to try our luck again.

It's with mixed emotions (and a raspberry) that I end the chapter of 2007. And with tremulous excitement that I welcome 2008: Year of the Bean.


xavier2001 said...

You are right, infertility does leave a mark that carries over into pregnancy and even parenthood. But I think that infertility can make us better parents, sure, I get frustrated and tired and sleep deprived just like any new mom, but I also have that special appreciation for the value and fragility of a new life and just how much of a miracle it truly is.

Happy New Year!!

John Holly Levi & Faith said...

I echo Mary's comments, as I'm sure you know I would. If there is such a thing as 'being lucky' to be infertile, we are IT simply because we GET IT. I appreciate the trials of infertility (and cancer for that matter) when other people talk about and I've always felt good about that. That I can relate and that I can offer some advice.

When is your due date, again? I can't remember. Oh, and just out of curiosity (and it's okay if you say no) do you think that herb helped you get pregnant at all? Just wondering.

lisawitt said...

Love the new look of the blog, C! New year..new blog look! :)
Totally agree with Mary and Holly on the whole IF thing. I always relate it to a scar. Its a wound that can heal yet leaves a scar that always reminds us of what it took to get there.

So excited for 2008...the Year of the Bean! Not too much longer till we have new men in our life!