I am beginning to realize something very significant.
I am going to have a baby.
Not in an abstract or distant way, as it has felt for the past 7 months. No, there is a very specific baby boy who spends a large portion of the day stretching my stomach in one direction or another.
Today, he is inside my body.
In two months, he will be on the outside.
And he will be totally dependent on me and DH. Only me and DH.
I spent the first trimester in complete denial. I had the sense to physically take care of myself and Bean. But there was no connection in my mind, no emotion. I often used the phrase "if I'm pregnant" in my speech, to which DH would patiently (and later, less patiently) respond with "Honey, you are pregnant." Sure, whatever.
Pregnancy started to hit home in the second trimester, when I outgrew my denial as well as my pants. I finally admitted that indeed I was growing a little baby. Cool! Hooray! But although I accepted the pregnancy in general, there was still a huge gap between my easily manageable baby bump and the screaming infants with their harried moms in the grocery store. The idea of Bean's eventual birth was beyond my comprehension.
Now that my due date (March 3) is growing closer, a somber realization is setting in. I call it THE END OF LIFE AS WE KNOW IT. DH finds this a bit dramatic. I, however, feel it entirely fitting. After nearly 12 years of couplehood, approaching 6 years of fabulously selfish marital bliss, life is no longer about just the two of us. While I'm entirely convinced that motherhood is right for me, there will be a lot of changes, a lot of sacrifices. Our main discussion at dinner will not be about what movie we want to see in the theater that evening; it will instead focus on the contents of Bean's diaper that day. As excited as I am to meet our little man, the thought of turning our lives over to this unknown person is a bit daunting. How will he fit in with us? Or more accurately, how will we fit in with him? (He definitely has his own will, that's apparent even in utero.)
Regardless of the speed of my emotional processes on the subject, it is certainly time for us to start preparing the house and our lives for the baby's grand entrance. I've been working on a to-do list.
1. Clear social calendar for the next 15+ years. (Easy! Done!)
2. Cover the house with plastic wrap to protect from baby barf.
3. Buy cute little outfits. The baby probably needs some, too.
4. Teach the dog to change diapers.
5. Learn how to use new camcorder to capture exciting firsts (he cries! he sleeps! he poops!).
6. Create email list of everyone I've ever met to send daily video updates of aforementioned exciting firsts.
7. Stop swearing like a sailor.
8. Decide what Bean's going to be when he grows up; start selecting colleges.
9. Enjoy last moments of any personal time or quality time with DH.
10. Figure out what to do to care for a newborn.
Please let me know if you think I'm forgetting anything!