File under: life is cruel

Ahhh, irony loves me.

Just a mere hours after posting about my fabulous weight loss at my last OB appointment, I sat down to (finally) dive into the nutrition section of the twin/multiple pregnancy book that Carrie recommended to me.

I was nervous for two reasons. First, Carrie warned me that that section was the most difficult one in the book for her to digest. (heh) Second, the nutrition section of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" that I read 2+ years ago made me run for the hills. The guidelines and recipes were so unrealistic (like I'm going to give up Lucky Charms for bran muffins!) -- the camel's back was finally broken and that evil book promptly ended up in the fireplace. Which kept me nice and toasty while I devoured pizza and breadsticks (with lots of grease).

So I had similar fears with this book, as I'm sure you can understand.

BRAN MUFFINS! Ha.

Anyway, imagine my initial delight to learn from this new book that I should be indulging in a bowl of premium ice cream or a milkshake every night before bed. She explains why in the book, but I was stuck on the fact that I was being commanded to EAT A BOWL OF ICE CREAM EVERY NIGHT BEFORE BED.

(Is that angels singing that I hear?)

Yes indeed! After scolding me for losing weight during a twin pregnancy -- I'm pretty sure she was talking directly to me -- the author went on to stress the importance of gaining weight, and a whole crap load of it, when carrying more than one baby. And not only that, but the first 28 weeks of pregnancy is the most crucial time for weight gain, to help give those babies what they need to help ward off premature labor. She goes into details about why this early gain is most important, but I'll let you read the book if you are interested.

So I started feeling guilty about my weight loss -- and my subsequent celebration by doing a few "running man" dance moves -- and decided to make a new plan based on what the author recommends based on her impressive experience and expertise.

Here are a few highlights:

• Plan to gain 40-56 lbs during the pregnancy. (No prob, I gained over 40 with Bean.)
• Plan to gain 25 lbs by 20 weeks. (Gulp, this seems like a problem. I'm not sure how much I'm up now at 14/15 weeks, but it's close to a paltry 5 lbs I believe.)
• My pregnancy is the result of infertility treatment, so I should aim to gain an additional 4 to 6 pounds before week 20. (Double gulp.)
• Must eat every two to three hours to keep blood sugar balanced for the babies. Watch the clock and don't wait to feel hungry.
• Consume 3,500 calories per day. (Good LORD!)
• Eat lots of meat, seafood, poultry, diary, bread, cereal, more dairy, pasta, fruit, nuts, oils, and finally, even more dairy. Diet should be 20% protein, 40% carbs (more angels singing?), and 40% fat (yep, those are angels).

There is actually a section entitled "Fats and Oils: Heroes, not Villains, During Pregnancy."

I want to marry this woman.

So what's the problem, you are wondering? Are you considering running out to the nearest fertility clinic to get yourself knocked up with twins?

Not so fast, my gluttonous friend.

Because here's the rub. I woke up the next morning (last Wednesday) determined to follow the guidelines. BUT! Even though the constant nausea that accompanied my first trimester has finally passed, my stomach is nowhere near back to it's normal functioning. First of all, I have major food aversions. And by food aversions, I mean aversions to all food. Nothing sounds good to eat, it's more a matter of what is tolerable. Because just the thought of eating the teriyaki beef at my favorite restaurant can bring the nausea back with a vengeance.

Yep, there it is.

Right now I am munching on those cinnamon imperial things you put on top of cupcakes. Which are really good, but not helpful for the babies or my weight gain goals.

Second, even when something manages to be mildly appetizing -- let's take DH's famous Burrito Night for example -- my stomach seems to have shrunk to about 1/6th it's former size. On Burrito Nights of the past, I would have one plain tortilla for an appetizer, then have two burritos. Now I skip the plain tortilla and I still end up handing the last portion of my FIRST burrito to DH to finish. So he's been packing on a couple of extra pounds, but also not helpful for the babies or my weight gain goals.

And eating every two to three hours? Ugh. I think not.

The author encourages me to do it for the babies, even when I don't feel like it. As Aunt Becky would plead, "Won't somebody think of the children?"

Trust me, I don't need the guilt of my babies' health to motivate me to down a chocolate milkshake.

But seriously, I WILL BARF IT UP.

I'm guessing that negates any good the milkshake will do any of us.

Although the author discourages it, I do find comfort in the fact that I was carrying some extra poundage before getting pregnant with these twins. I still had nearly 15 lbs of baby weight (breastfeeding makes you lose weight faster... cha!), and I was just a mere 1-2 pounds from being in the "overweight" category on those lovely charts that were surely developed by skinny people to make the rest of us feel fat.

And dude, I'm HUGE. In fact, at an indoor playground this morning, the other moms were admiring my large baby bump and joking about how much bigger I am than my friend who is due almost the exact same day with a singleton. At last measurement, the babies were a week ahead of their gestational age.

So far, I think the weight has just shifted a bit from my arms/legs/butt into my stomach. I'd probably be right on track if I had started at the same pre-pregnancy weight that I did with Bean.

But I'm still concerned about the direction this is going. I am very, very worried about keeping these babies healthy so they bake for 38 weeks. I bought some protein shakes, because I can drink a lot easier than I can eat.

This is ridiculous! I finally have permission -- no, orders -- to go on the diet of my dreams, and my stomach revolts at the idea.

*sigh*

Irony, this is not amusing whatsoever.