Thursday, January 7, 2010

And finally

By 7 pm, I was rather annoyed to assume that I wouldn't be seeing the doc again today. I did talk to two docs in the OB practice this morning, but that was before my cervical ultrasound, and I obviously have been anxious to plan our next move with these results now in hand. But fortunately, at 7:01 pm, she did show up. She explained that she had been busy with a birth -- perfectly understandable. In fact, I must say I have been very pleased with the care I have gotten from this practice, especially considering my OB is on maternity leave, as well as from all the nurses here in the hospital. They really seem to care about me and always involve me in the decision-making process as we go along. It's sad that I am impressed by this, because those things should be absolutely standard, but there are too many lazy, egotistical doctors out there who treat you like a problem to be solved by their own genius as quickly as possible.

But I'm rambling, let's get to the goods. My cervix this morning was back up to an average of 2.6 cm. The tech said at one point during the scan it was even up to 3 cm (like me, my cervix is SO! DYNAMIC!). There have been a few minor murmurs from the old ute, but I am not having significant worrisome contractions. In other words, things are looking decent, as reasonably good as I could have hoped for, given the prior circumstances.

But because I was already discharged from and readmitted to the hospital this week, the docs are recommending that I stay in the hospital until Saturday morning, and I agree that is wise. I will have another ultrasound then, and if I'm still above 2.5 cm (which I will be, right? RIGHT?), then I can go home to strict bedrest. DH will be home on Saturday to take care of me, then my Mom arrives on Sunday for two weeks. And after that... well, still scoping out banks to rob to afford that nanny.

What I'm struggling with most right now is the guilt. Having all this free time to watch "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" just think can be a dangerous thing. I feel guilty that I convinced DH to do more infertility treatments that got us all in this situation. I feel guilty that it's my uncooperative body that can't get pregnant unless we use meds and then HELLO TWINS. I feel guilty that Twin A and Twin B have to share my ute instead of being able to enjoy it one at a time like Bean did, and that they could potentially have significant challenges to overcome because of this. I feel guilty that now my body is failing and causing stress for so many people. I feel guilty that my husband is stretched the limit right now. I feel guilty that my son calls for "Mommy!" and I can't go to him. I feel guilty that we will have to hire someone to come to our house while DH is at work, which will drain our finances since I'm not earning any money. I feel guilty that my parents, grandparents, in-laws, and other family members are so worried. I feel guilty that all my friends are doing so much for me, with childcare and meals and visits and emotional support -- favors which I have not earned and probably will never really be able to repay in full. I know many of you will chide me for this line of thinking, but laying in this hospital bed, feeling helpless while others scurry around to pick up my slack... it ain't easy.

I don't mean to be a downer, I'm actually doing better today following the improved cervical measurement this morning. I just wanted to document and share a bit of the rollercoaster of emotions that comes along with this journey.

Now if you'll excuse me, I am excited to go take my first shower in 2 1/2 days, as I finally remembered to ask the doctor to add that privilege to my chart. I've really been pushing the limits of my Lady Mitchum. And it'd be nice to find that piece of corn I dropped down my shirt while having dinner yesterday.

A million thank yous, again and always.


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23 comments:

Coffeegrl said...

I cannot remember the name of that website where you list your wants/needs/desires for support, but it seems like you could (should!) post a wishlist somewhere. I know I've heard of it specifically with regard to families expecting multiple births, but the same holds true for any household with a change in family member's medical condition, or after the birth of a singleton as well. And I'm sure some brilliant person will help me out and know what I"m talking about.

It can't hurt to put it out there in the universe. "We could really use a sitter for X day" or "X hours/week" or "breakfast on Sunday" and then let friends and family step in and offer to help. It seems like it could be so much easier than having to ask everyone you know personally for these things. (Okay maybe that's just my own non-confrontational, "I should be able to do this all on my own" approach".) Also, consider that this might enable distant friends and bloggers (hint, hint) to find some concrete way to help out.

Queenie. . . said...

There is always something to feel guilty about, regardless of whether you "should" feel guilty. I'm 39 weeks pregnant, and feeling guilty because we are just finishing renovations, and I can't help move stuff back into our house and help out in other ways like I would like, and people keep having to come and help out. Try not to stress-somehow, it always seems to work out. Maybe not the way we hoped, maybe not the way we expected, but it works out. Sending you lots of good wishes for no contrax, a giant cervix, and a calm ute for many weeks to come!

Kate said...

You can do it! Glad the cervix is holding out.
The other woman at my clinic who had her ER and ET the same day as me ended up pregnant with twins, and had an urgent cerclage around 21-22weeks, I think. By the time they put it in a day after the ultrasound showed a very short cervix, she had bulging membranes and was dilating too (bulging membranes at the time of cerclage are supposed to be a bad bad thing). She was put on strict bedrest in hospital, had some meds to stop preterm labour, then went home on strict bedrest. And now we both hit 32 weeks today, and she's still hanging in there. So I definitely think there's hope for you making it to 35 weeks.

Shelley said...

Hang in there, Sunny. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you to sit on the sidelines. Just take it one day at a time and try not to feel guilty (obviously more easily said than done!). Good luck. I'll be thinking of you!

Eve said...

Oh sweet dear, I've been in your shoes when I had my big bleed at the begining of my twin journey (am sort of a couple toes in right now)...and all I can say is that the guilt does nothing but eat at your heart! Forgive yourself for this crappy circumstance...you would NEVER choose it if given that opportunity!

I'm so glad the ol' cervix is closing back up again...praying that continues for you. I'm sooo in the same situation as you when it comes to family all out of town who can only visit in short stints. When I was on full-bedrest, we had friends watch my son every day for two weeks. It was VERY hard on me and ds...b/c I missed him so much and the change of routine every day was exhausting for him. I think having someone come into your home will be the best solution. Maybe you could hire someone 3 days a week and have friends cover the other 2 each week?

I agree that a mass e-mail/FB call for help is not a bad idea. People really do want to help...they just don't always know how.

Take care, I'll be praying for you and the beans!!!!!

Jen said...

I know the guilt is unavoidable to some extent, but you shouldn't feel guilty. Sure it's tough on your hubby but I know he's happy to be having twins and would do anything for you and your children (just as you would for them). And as for favors from friends, I would suspect they don't feel like you owe them much if anything at all. People like you, they know you face this impossible situation right now, you are a good person and they want to help.

As for the childcare situation, let me know how that progresses. Jeramy or his mom might be able to help out somehow.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a Saturday release.

Furrow said...

If the people in your life are anything like I would be, they are looking for a concrete way to help out. We all have debts we want to repay in whatever way we can, and it doesn't need to be to the person we originally owed them to. So don't feel guilty. You're doing your friends and family a favor! Let them feel good about themselves. And don't worry- you will find ways to pay back the kindnesses. If not to the original givers, then to others. And someday in the future when you have your raucous wonderful family of 5, you'll wonder how on earth you ever doubted that it was the right thing to do. All the best.

Kristina P. said...

I know people love and want to help you! Hang in there.

Ginny said...

It's perfectly normal to feel down right now. Just know that your family and friends love you and your family. Helping others makes you feel good, so imagine how good they must feel helping you now? I'm sending good thoughts to you and the boys.

((HUGS))

Mary said...

:) on the good report!

And the guilt will always be there no matter what, we could all come up with a list of 1,000 things that could consume us with guilt at any one time. I think the key is to try not to focus on it, and think of all the positive things that will come from this, you are giving ALL of your boys a great gift by giving them each other, especially so close in age, you are giving Andy the ability to know just how much he can do and handle, which will come in handy in a few months time, you are giving those BABIES a chance to bake longer, you are giving DANNY some quality Grandma time. I know all this sugar coating doesn't make up for the crappy stuff but to every negative there is a silver lining in there somewhere. Gosh, now I'm rambling lol! Just know that although the next few months are going to seem super long and super hard in the grand scheme of life its a very short time and someday you will be telling your grandchildren about all the trouble their daddies caused you!

jingle said...

Dear Kind Sunny:

Being idle is boring, being packed with responsibilities and worries such as these can be depressing...You feel guilty, I hope this is how you keep a balance of what you want and what you have to take to get what you want...

No matter what's in your mind, you shall stay upbeat, smile more, be positive thinking, praise your Bean, and let thing unfold itself...
you can not go back, thus looking forward to thing you may do may be more helpful.

Anyway, I trust your strength and after pouring all these out in this blog, I know you may feel kind of relieved already, :)

Wishing you an exceptional weekend.

Rest, smile like your name SUNNY!

Nicky said...

Even though we ALL know it's unwarranted, if you're at all like me, you're not going to escape the guilt unless you keep yourself busy. You joke about watching movies, but you SERIOUSLY need to get a stack of movies, books, magazines, crosswords, whatever to keep yourself busy. Or maybe there's "work" you can do sitting down for your friends, if it'll make you feel better about accepting their help? Offer to do taxes for anybody who brings you a week's worth of dinners. :)

Allison said...

I am so happy to hear that news. Things are going to be alright. I can feel it. Love you!

K said...

Those beautiful children you are growing are here because they are supposed to be and I am praying they stay put until its their time to come. Don't feel guilty for wanting to grow your family and for wanting your son to have siblings and to nurture more loved ones in your life. I know its hard because of what you're going through, but don't feel bad please *hugs*

Glad to hear the cervix is holding up- it sucks that you will be on strict bed rest but this too shall pass. You are in the hardest uphill climb right now, but it will start goign downhill, you will make it to the other side.

Stephanie Faris said...

It'll all make sense in the long run but I know the day to day can be a struggle at times. It sounds like you're doing great...and going through the same fears every soon-to-be mom of multiples goes through.

Sarah said...

Don't worry about those boys wanting their own ute...seriously, they will always have company! Think of how comfy cozy they are in there, always with a friend...never going through all the scary things by themselves like being born into the world! It's sort of amazing thinking about it. It's difficult accepting help regardless of how much you need it because you always feel guilty about it. But now is the time to accept it and believe me, people are so happy to do it - be it being a Christian, a good friend, worried about karma - whatever!!! ;) I think we all wish we could do more for you! Lots of love!

AJ said...

Oh C - what a roller coaster this week. The longer cervix is very good news and I hope the good news keeps coming! Please try not to let the guilt keep you down - as a mother you will always feel guilty about something or question your mothering style or discipline style or a million other things. You are a phenomenal person and an amazing mother. You are doing everything you can in the best interest of your family and with all the best intentions. Although you might not always recognize it, you are loved and appreciated! Our thoughts and prayers are with you and all your boys. litb

Michelle said...

I am happy to hear that all is well right now. I hope things stay that way and you can go home.

I would like to also say to not feel guilty but I know that is a lot easier said then done. I am sorry that you have to go through this. It is unfair that you can't just enjoy the pregnancy. I am always thinking of you and I am sending lots of prayers your way. If you need to talk just email me. ((HUGS))

Katie said...

Yes, do put up a wishlist or website with what you need!

There are a LOT of us Seattlites that would LOVE to help!!!!

Red said...

I hope you enjoyed the shower! Fingers crossed for the next check (surely bed rest at home will be marginally better than bedrest at hospital).

Sorry you are feeling guilty, but truely, people LOVE to help out (especially when there are babies involved) and get to feel good about helping out.

MrsSpock said...

I know most of us would prefer to grow our families one at a time, without any help, but- we just can't. Nothing to feel guilty about. Here I now sit, having just triggered my ovaries with three good-sized follicles last night, wondering if I could end up in the same boat.

Just remember, all this crappy stuff is temporary, and when Bean is 5, he won't remember Mommy being on bedrest for a couple months.

Michele said...

I know it is easier said than done, but from one hospital staying, bedrest requiring, twin mom to another... try not to be too hard on yourself. The guilt can be overwhelming. And you have nothing to be guilty of. You were meant to mother these babies and are doing a great job of it.

Thinking of you and holding you in prayer.

Chad and Gena said...

I think guilt and parenting are pretty much synonymous. Just know you are doing a great job!!! I have spent a lot of time the first year of my twin’s life feeling guilty that they are twins and don’t/didn’t get me to themselves but to be honest w/ you they don’t seem to be any worse for wear. They love each other and I think they are going to grow up loving the fact that they are twins. I think the guilt more or less stems from my desire to have had that one on one experience w/ them...they haven’t missed a beat. They are very happy and well adjusted babies and your boys (all of them) will be too :-)